The worst kind of posts are those that are endlessly postponed: you write and re-write them in your head multiple times but at the end of the day they're just thoughts in your head and you would have never delivered them to your audience. Amongst the many entries I have shelved multiple times - the post about my hair routine, for instance - is this post: my most difficult and honest one to date.
I don't like beating about the bush so here goes. I decided to take a break from Boffism. I have been mulling over this for weeks now and I have finally opened my blogger account and come to terms with the fact that I really need to do this. This might come as a surprise to most of you, so I am going to skim through the reasons behind my decision.
Well, you can start by reading yesterday's post about the most annoying things about being Boffism. The entry was meant to be a humourous one - even though I hope that the ones who inspired the post got the message behind it! - but the things I mentioned are issues that I have been trying to deal with in a more serious manner.
I also feel like when I started my blog, I erratically labelled myself as a 'fashion blogger'. Not quite sure whether it was such a mistake at the time, but it certainly is now. Back in 2011, the fashion blogging environment was completely different and uncharted locally, so I was free to do what I wanted without too many expectations. Now, however, times have changed and I feel like the whole 'fashion blogging' role comes with a series of expectations I am not interested or motivated to fulfill. Reviews, for instance, couldn't matter less to me at this point in time. I feel like there's nothing creative behind them, and one of the reasons why I enjoyed my Boffism Journey was that I was able to create things along the way. Unfortunately, I feel like, during this almost 3 year trip, I was slowly losing the reasons why I started the venture one by one and now I cannot relate to the whole concept of 'fashion blogging' in itself.
In addition, I am aware that I function in an industry which I can't say I am in love with anymore. Ever since I was a little girl, I have been someone deeply attracted to anything vaguely sartorial, so for me, it was more than natural to want to be part of that world when I grew up. The fashion industry has been my long time crush, something like my 'first love'. But now I kinda grew up and got to know my crush well, and after more than 2 years of passionate love scenes, I started seeing all the flaws and incompatibilities between us. I don't like following trends and I don't feel like I have to just because I am a 'fashion blogger'. I don't want to do or believe things just because 'fashion bloggers' are expected to do so.
I have been extremely lucky to have done so much in such a short span of time. When I started out, back in April 2011, I was alone in this but I was so fortunate to find people who spotted me locally and internationally. I have worked with so many companies in Malta, had the opportunity to shoot some seriously fun photos, got to attend so many exclusive events and so many readers had kind words for me. I was even invited to London Fashion Week last year and I wrote for countless publications in the international sphere. Having achieved so much so quickly can be a limitation though. I feel like I have achieved all my aims and unluckily enough, when that happens, things start satisfying you less and less. I don't get a kick out of most of the things I used to do back in the day because I get that 'same old' feeling now. Been there, done that. Too many times, as well. I feel stuck in a circle. I do not want to keep myself in a situation which disallows me learn new things just because I'm used to the 'comfort zone'. I need to grow, achieve more, acquire new skills and try out different things whilst experimenting with and reinventing existing ones. I am selfish enough to only enjoy activities that make me grow.
I want to do things that I truly enjoy. I don't want to drag things further if they don't give me that adrenaline they gave me before. I need to redefine what Boffism is and who I am inside the whole process. There needs to be more time away from the cameras and the main stage. I want to read, learn how to write better, maybe try out different jobs and roles within the industry, until I am ready to say, ' this is who I am and what I do truly defines my happiness.' I want to do things for myself until I truly learn to deal with who I have become.
Thanks so much for everything each of you has done for me. This is a 'see you soon'. I will be back, eventually, even though I don't know when. I promise you that I will use this time 'off' to work on myself and return stronger and better than ever before. There is this 'new me' inside that can't come out if I keep running around in this neverending, unsatisfactory circle. I need time I always trust my gut feeling, and something inside tells me that this is the right time to step back and embrace who I can become. That's it, I'm trading who I am for the person I can truly become.
Mature people know when to let go. It's time to go on 'sabbatical'.
This is not the last you have seen of me.
Goodbye, dear readers.